Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
God has left this place
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.