Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no