Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Bed should get ready for ME
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!