@michaelianblack

Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.

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@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@karanbirtinna

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@MNateShyamalan

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

@DaddyJew

Cop: are there any drugs in the car?

Me: ha! I wish

Cop:..

Me: I mean, no