I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
You Might Also Like
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.