Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
happy valentine’s day to me
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.