My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
You Might Also Like
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.