Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.