@ibid78

Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.

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@byrdie_num_num

Just updated my resume. Changed ‘ambitious’ to ‘am-no-longer-bitious’.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

@ItsAndyRyan

“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”

@ArfMeasures

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

@uhhhhhoksure

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius