The OG bandit strikes again.
Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.
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Just updated my resume. Changed ‘ambitious’ to ‘am-no-longer-bitious’.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius