Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.