@bourgeoisalien

probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices

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@Thatsit4me

They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.

@suecorvette

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

@BobWhite1975

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?

@AnitaHelmet

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

@noog

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

@TheDweck

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

@Brocklesnitch

I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.

@simoncholland

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.