Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
You Might Also Like
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably