Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.