Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.