@weinerdog4life

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

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@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@Mom_Overboard

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

@fro_vo

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

@JawnQSack

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.