Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*