Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.