My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas
Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.
How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!
me: so i was watching mindhunter
me: they said serial killers are mean to animals
me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs
911: that’s not rea-
me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there
911: sir i need to end thi-
me: he said it TO HIS FACE
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.