@theSwellMan

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

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@urmumsausername

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@KoJo_Sunshine

I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas

@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

@kwirkyKerri

I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!

@tweetsbyrocket

me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

@LoriLuvsShoes

My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.