Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
whatcha thinkin bout
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)