She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter
Her: so what kinda wine should I get
Me: haha white is always the best
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT
*I take out the car keys*
Him: Where are you going?
Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture