@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

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@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

@sixfootcandy

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

@TommyWallace

[First date]
okay just dont let her know you’re a trump supporter

Her: so what kinda wine should I get

Me: haha white is always the best

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@MarcusTheToken

I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.

@TheCatWhisprer

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@summerlvn82

*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Walgreens.

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture