Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.