Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.