Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados