Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.


*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!


My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.


{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*


Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*


Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460


I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.


Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.


Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.


There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.