Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
You Might Also Like
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand