Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
#dalle2
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem