have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click