[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.