[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Wake me when AI does housework
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell