Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?


*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*


Someone hash-tagged “share the love,” and I read it as “shave the love.” I thought, yeah, I can get on board with that.


*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato

*friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something


When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first


According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.


[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

Siri what is a grape nut


The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”


My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”