Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Incredible customer service.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.