I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”