Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
that lip filler tho
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.