Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.