PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”