*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.