Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Oh. My. God.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The glory of fall.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell