PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*