@TheAndrewNadeau

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

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@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@brodyfontane

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

@GoodZiIIa

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@gradeaclown

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do?

me: I give out free drugs

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.