Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do?
me: I give out free drugs
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.