Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”