@dubsteppenwolf
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
@Skoogeth
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You Might Also Like
@dubsteppenwolf
@NickLMao1
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
@meganamram
My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!
@Phook75
I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking
@iamspacegirl
*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion
@Marlebean
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
@Voiceofgarth
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.
@Tmoney68
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
@heiditron3000
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
@Man_Ona_Ledge
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.