every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!
I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking
*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality
*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I got kicked out of the hospital tonight. Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something different.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.