My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”
Please send help!
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore