@Skoogeth

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

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@billingsley313

My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”

Please send help!

@JosesLovesYou

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

@ieatanddrink

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

@Donna_McCoy

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

@DurtMcHurtt

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

@_davidlucas_

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@HenpeckedHal

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

@chuuew

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore