@billingsley313
My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked “Does it make my butt look big?” I texted back “Noo!” My phone autocorrect my response to “Moo!”
Please send help!
@Skoogeth
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
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@billingsley313
@JosesLovesYou
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
@ieatanddrink
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
@Donna_McCoy
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
@DurtMcHurtt
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
@_davidlucas_
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
@audipenny
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
@Maxine12333
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
@HenpeckedHal
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
@chuuew
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore