ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
new shirt idea
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ