‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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Watermelon Boss!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
not sure why everyone acts like it鈥檚 so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
鈥揗oms
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Pretty certain I can more drunk
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 馃
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.