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Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.