[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
You Might Also Like
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
#Caturday
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’