professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!


She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.


We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”


Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.


“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”


“No mom I DON’T HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 18.

“No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 28.


6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.


People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.


Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS