professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
we all know this pain all too well
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Growing out my freckles.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid