Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“No mom I DON’T HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 18.
“No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 28.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS