professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
fair
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”