[5 MINUTES AFTER BLASTING OFF TO MARS]
Kids: Can we get McDonald’s?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Wife: Am I grotesque?
Me: No, angel cake!
Wife: Why did you call me a cake?
Me: Cake is round?
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or