professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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Name another movie that mislead you?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?