My rap name is When i$ Lunch
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.