@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

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@mommajessiec

[5 MINUTES AFTER BLASTING OFF TO MARS]

Kids: Can we get McDonald’s?

@dadthatwrites

“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers

@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@Shawn_spree

Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@thepunningman

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

@AndLookPretty

Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?

@FredTaming

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or