ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I hope it’s French Onion!
*praying for world peace*
God:
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.