MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.
I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Netflix and you sit over there.
When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove