@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

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@ArfMeasures

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

@thinkingparsnip

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@SamGrittner

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.

@sugabelly

I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒

@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove