Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
You Might Also Like
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line