professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?