professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.