professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
🤣🤣
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same