professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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Yup
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The fall of Netflix
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.