professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
also my go-to takeaway order
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…