professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.


I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.


Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?


Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”


Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.