professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Try and stop me.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite