@FredTaming

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

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@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@flamingo_poet

I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”

@WalkingOutside

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

@usermcuserface

Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@AtticusFinch79

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@ojedge

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

@envydatropic

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.