For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
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I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.